Monday, March 10, 2008


I'm. So. Confused!

I have to see a doctor about depression on Thursday, and she's gonna put me on heavy-duty drugs. Drugs that will prevent me from feeling ANYTHING. "Flatten my affect" is the clinical term.
Call me crazy, but I love my mood swings. I love sinking into the deepest pits of depression and bouncing off the walls the next. I love not being able to tell what my life will be like in ten minets.
Also, I love being depressed. Dont ask me why, but I've been depressed four years and these have been the best four years of my life. My mood goes up then down then up then down, it's actually very fun.
What am I going to tell this doctor? I dont want medication? I'm thirteen! All adults look at me like "you're a little kid, you wouldn't understand." Theyd force me on heavy drugs to make me an obidient little sheep, one who accepts the words of her mother without qustion, one who desires to wear "normal" clothes and think "normal" thoughts.
Also, if I tell this doc I'm bi (which she will probably ask) she's gonna put me on meds to stop me being bi, along with a therapist to help.
I want to ENJOY kissing Andy! I want to feel pain when she is gone! I want to cry hysterically and laugh maniacly! I want to think my own thoughts, live my own life, not have a flattened mood so I'll be a little lapdog girl.
I can handle it. I love it.
Why does no one belive me?

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