Thursday, April 24, 2008

I'm a bit paranoid

Andy's been netdead and isnt doing a bday thing. That's ok, its just the present i got her was kinda expensive... and she didnt respond to any of my i love u's anymore... and she seems kinda out of it...
i'm just being paranoid, i pray...
i hope....

Sunday, April 20, 2008


WHEEEEEEE!!! Starfest! Starfest!!! I just got back!!!!!
:) :) :) :)
Okay, so quick run down of what happened.
I met a new friend! Her name is Robin and she's 16 and is homeschooled and loves yaoi and firefly and writing and star trek.
I got some GREAT advice from many a writing panel.
I bought a shitload of new stuff!!! My favorite is the button that says "Alchemy: It only costs you an arm and a leg!"
I got a beer bottle thrown at me!!!!
I hugged Adam Baldwin twice, asked him 2 questions, and got a photo!
Saw Michelle Nichelles!!!! (I KNOW thats not how u spell it)

The only damper on my day is the fact Andy hasnt emailed me in more than a week and now shes syaing on her blog that she can write whatever she wants. Did I do something wrong? If so, i'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry!!!

I'm sure I'm just being paranoid...

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Thinking Back

Nostalgia is what I am feeling, I think. Today, I tried, really truly tried, not to think about Andrea in he hops the day would go faster. No dice. It was...excruciating, the moments I wasn't thinking about her. So, at all times, even if it's just in my subcounsicious, I am vaugley aware. I have decided to get it all out of my system in this werid, nostalgic post. So deal wit it!!!! Okay, lets think here....
First day I met Andrea. The breath was litterally knocked out of me when she walked into frist period science on Friday. She hadn't been at the orientation- trust me, I was memorizing faces FAST. The orientation was mostly full of prim and proper preps *Shudder*. Anyways, this girl was...diffrent. Her clothes were diffrent, but not weird, and she smelled...ohmigawd. It's like the Edward/Bella science class, seriously. I had wondered why no one else was turing to see this crying, shaking figure be escorted into the room by the principal. She sat directly behind me. I said "Hi! My name's Tizri." She whimpered. Ms. Smith gave us a moment to be crazy, for whatever reason- I think she went in the back room to get something. I scooted my chair to her table. "Are you okay? Can I help?" I asked leading, poliet questions. Things any concerned person would ask. And, at 5'7", she wasn't really hard to miss. More whimpering on her part, with some head-shaking. I thought she was "Special". Turns out she was, but not in any way I could have ever guessed. However, while I was making one-sided concered smalltalk, I had to remind myself, for the first time in my life, to keep breatheing. I knew...I knew, somehow, that THIS particular person, this girl, was not someone I would let go of this easily. Most people, I would ask if I could help, they said no, we part ways. I KNEW I could get to this girl, who's name I didn't even know, if I was persistant. So dear god, I was. I sat near her every day from there on in, until one day she finally agreed to have lunch with me, after some short, awkward sentences.
She came, clutching a teeny lunch bag to her chest, like that might protect her. We sat on the stone steps near the entrance- (this has now become a sort of gathering point for various misfits wanting to talk to various misfits.) and she was off. I mean, she didn;t shut up for 30 minets. She talked about ANnoher Wonderful Life, a video game I had never heard of. Her voice, once she was relaxed, was melodius and made me just sit there, chewing. So she does speak, is what I kept thinking.
After that, we mostly did lunch every day. And talked. Lots of talking, lots of laughing, lots of screaming as people opened the doors and knocked over our food. Those thirty minets, combined with the hour and a half long science period, made my life worth living, even in the mist of the worst period of my life, ever. This girl, she made me feel whole, like my whole life I was only half a person, wandering around for the other half, stumbling blindly in darkness till I could get there.
When she left school, I cried for days. RIGHT after she left, her friends and I (in the middle of an Opera presentation my Mr. Johnson) threw our heads back and screamed "NO!!!!!" for a whole minet.
We stayed in touch. Adam came and went, nothing more than a blur of rough descriptions and hours of phone minets to me, because the only thing that mattered was Hannah, and her smile.
And now, after school today, I wandered into Ms. Smith's classroom, and touched frist the spot I first saw her, then the spot I first talked to her, then the spot where she first talked to me, and all the spots we sat together, in order, remembering every detail. Remembering how we'd stop whole classes, how we stuck a touch up a Peep's ass, laughing maniaclly, how we had seen the ADD jump roper from Colorado, how we gosspied about Benji, read, lived.
I only touch those stone steps as little as allowed, because all those places I went with her are so charged with memory, it's hard not to just stand there and soak it all up.
Andrea is my savior, I doubt I would be alive without her. At least emotionally. I can't imagine what would have happened if she never came along, if she never broke down that day. I...I can't even imagine how I could have ever lived without her.

Now that I have gotten at least a little bit out of my system, mabye I can hold on till Saturday, at 945 AM. Hopefully.

Hey, Andy, if any of my memories are wrong, correct me, kk?

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Post the PostIt

I found a rly good qoute by Edgar Allen Poe 2day. it was something like "I became insane with long insuferable periods of sanity". That pretty muchs sums it up dont u think?
I have nothing to do. I'm suffering panic attacks, so its insanely, tremedously hard for me to hold a train of thought at the moment. Its like Andy withdrawl. :'(
I shouldnt be posting now, in my current state, but oh. freaking. well. I want to. I gained back the weight I originally dropped, going back on my diet 2day. *shudder*. Not fun. Oh well, at least I'm still a 14, but I have like 20 lbs to go until i'm "healthy". I hate the government. I can't hold a train of thought. I also appear to be having some sort of memeory losss, because I cant remeber why I started to write this post in the first place. Should I get dressed? Oh no wait I just did...

I'm just writing now because the clicky-clack-clicky of the keyboard is better than the overwhelming silence of being utterly and completely alone.

Andy, andy, andy, andy, andy, andy I MISS YOU!!!! COME BACK SOON!! WE WILL DO SOMETHING THIS WEEKEND I HOPE!!!!!!!!!!

I need you...

Saturday, April 5, 2008


I am sitting here, enjoying the first ice cream from the truck of the season!!!


Friday, April 4, 2008


Fine, fine. constructive critisizm is fine. I just normally dont even show my poetry to my closest friends. Its made me...vunerable, showing something this private to the world. Sorry for going off the handle. I just need to get used to the fact people want to hear what I have to say.
:0 Just, try to be gentle, and dont outright flame me, kk?

Metaphorically speaking, of course

Mr. Wright made us write a right extended metaphor poem (sry about the liberal rhyming there)

I had to cobble something together, because the ACTUAL poem I had going through my head was not something I was about to share. I'll post it hear because I feel like it, goddamit. So if you don't like it: THIS IS MY GORRAM BLOG!!! I WILL POST WHAT EVER THE HELL I WANT TO!!! DONT CRITIZISE SOMETHING YOU WERNT EVEN REQUIRED TO READ!!!
DO NOT READ IF: You do not enjoy shitty poetry, romantic poetry, Andy, metaphors, people trying and failing to sound deep.

Andrea is good news
always changing
but never unwelcome

Andrea is hope
keeping you up for hours
tracing her name in your pillow

Andrea is warmth
helping you going through snow
feeling that if you could be in her arms
things would work out

Andrea, to me, is perfect.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Just Some Words

It's well past my bedtime, but some words keep popping into my head: they may be shit, but I NEED to let them out.

The diffrence between
me and the next girl,
is that the next girl
is not me.

I want to fly because
at fifteen thousand feet,
people care more about freedom
and less about who you like to kiss.

I g2g- the parenst discovered me.

Benjamin Sisko

CONGRATS!! If you're reading this, you are not a loser!
I have not seen DS9 yet!! I'm still plowing through Voyager!!! As soon as I see enough DS9 to get the characters, I promise, I will add him!! Hang tight, folks!

Nancy Boy

It's a song...about Brian Molko....growing up bi. I LOVE IT!!!

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

I draw the line here

My mother keeps telling me Andy has too much "emotional control" over me. She says next year ANDY, of all people, will force me to leave my other friends to be with her. Uhmm.... WTF!? Andrea would never, EVER do that to me. I know this. For fact.
You've taken a lot from me, mom, I draw the line here.