Sunday, March 30, 2008

Popular, I'm gonna make you popular!

WOW!!! My OKCupid profile is much liked! So are my tests!!
If you are a fellow OkCupid user, welcome to my blog and my brainpan!

I feel so loved....:D

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Richard Jr.

Yay!!! I met a new friend at Star Trek: The Expirience 2day! (He was scared shitless on the borg invasion ride... i led him thru the klingon ride and gave him the roughest seat in the house, teehee!)

He's officially my fourth emo-bi-cutter-animefreak friend (well, fourth that I've made, there are only three left now.)

And as an added bonus: he's cute as all get out! (No worries Andy, I told him I had GF)

So yea...i g2g, my madre dosent want me on too long.

Savage Garden

Sunday, March 23, 2008



If it wern't for Andrea (I love you! (this much!)) and Loose Lips by Kimya Dawson, I would be sobbing now.



Saturday, March 22, 2008

Please, if you are merciful, shoot me now

I can't live anymore. I can't do it in this state. Andy hates me. I'm her main antagonist. Because I didn't like Maximum Ride four. I- I'm at a complete and utter loss for words, for the first time in my life, I am stunned into silence. I feel like puking. Puking and cutting. Cutting deep enough to see a little river of crimson blood seep through my brand-new chain pants- deep enough to somehow gouge out this feeling of utter emptiness, of sadness. I love Andrea. I love her so much there is very little I wouldn't do for her- nothing I wouldn't do for her. An hour dosen't go by where I don't think of her- and she hates me. I am her antagonist. Please, please, please, if you're a merciful, save-the-puppies kind of person, shoot me now. This pain is cruel, I'm living in a cruel state of being, a state when I am no longer capable of helping even myslef. Please shoot me now.
Oh, god, why do I have to be such a self centered pig?! Why did I post that post? Why do I try to plan things at the last minet? Why do I let me grades slip away without caring?
No ammount of blood could make me feel better now.
Please kill me, or I'll have to do it myself.

Something More

There is ALWAYS something more to aim for. I finally got my chain pants today- suprise!- I'm not allowed to wear them out of the house. I...just want so much for for my look. For my life.

God. I hate myself sometimes.

Thursday, March 20, 2008


"The Flock"
Sawyer (Gilbert)
"Angel Experement"
Bridger (angel of death)
Shreaders( Flying cats)
Angel experement
Skales( Snake Erasers)
Maybe leif!!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Swinging is soooooo much fun!!

I sat at the top of a hill, in a snowstorm, swinging for two and half hours on monday. Belive me, I had brought along and jacket and a sweater and a shirt, but I tore all these off once I was in the air, because ohmigod, there is nothing like the freedom of swinging in a snowstorm. Swinging without your legs is also way fun- just shift your abs to propel yourself forward. (Don't worry- I still had on a tank top, I wasnt nude). My mom FLIPPED when she saw me, she made me take a shower the second I walked in the door. Once I reached the mirror I saw why. I was sooo red, almost purple, all over. A note for those of you who freeze like this in the future- DONT TAKE A SHOWER. ANY kind of water, hot or cold, will sting like hell. I ended up plugging all the air vents and the door, then turning the shower to full heat blast and letting the room get steamier than a suana. That felt sooooo good, I stayed in the misty bathroom for almost an hour.

I started a new book 2day. No telling what it's about yet, you'll se ;)

I swing on an average for 2-3 hours every day now. Does that count as a workout or should I still go 2 the gym?

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Second Thoughts On Final Warning

Well, I went to, and clicked on the video.
It changed my mind, totally and completely.
Seeing Max's wing whoosh out like that, hearing her voice....
They're trying to do good. I guess I can forgo storytime for that. I'm joining the flock, as soon as I can get a good photo of myself!!!

Intial Thoughts on The Final Warning

SPOILER WARNING!!!!!! Procede at own risk!!!

Okay, okay, like any good fan, I woke up at three forty-five this morning and read the forth Maximum Ride book straight through.
It. Sucked. Ass.
It didn't KICK ass, like most MR books do.
It just sucked.
When Patterson started out on this series, I was hooked almost instantly. I luuurv sci-fi, and this story was complex, scientifically possible, and very humorous. I ate all of the first three books in three days. The first two were an awesome, smashing, wild ride through Max, Iggy, Nudge, Fang, Total, The Gasman, and Angel's lives. They were wise, they were strong, they were kids. (sardastic, synical, all sorts of fun stuff).
The thrid book hinted in a major way that we shouldn't let big, evil corporations rule us, that pullution and global warming is bad, stuff like that. But the story was still a STORY. It was still FUN. And don't get me wrong, I am totally aginst all that warming and destruction and stuff, and I'm doing everything I can to help, belive me.
This fourth book is a lecture. In the whole thing, only two punches and one kick are thrown (Two of those three were aimed at a lepoard seal,) and there wasn't ONE. STINKING. BATTLE. It was one loooong, interminably dull lecture on the affects of global warming and pullution and shit like that. The characters go OOC (out of character) so often I almost forgot what their actual personalities are like. Fang is emotional (very), Iggy and Gazzy don't do anything mischiveous, Angel isn't creepy (she's acting more like a six year old than ever,) Max isn't wise-cracking and tough (she's actually matureing) and Jeb is suddenly for no reason no longer evil. Max even makes a four-page speech on the evils of pullution.
I'm sorry, but I read this series to be entertained. To hear a story. I have full respect for what Patterson is trying to do, use his fame and his chracter's reputation to rally forth us children to save the diminishing world, but as he proved in the third book, he can do that and still write a novel, not a paper.
It's just...out of hand. I want a story. I want an action novel that actually has some action in it. I want to see a Flyboy get the crap beaten out of him. I don't want this lesson on evil corporations and noxious gasses.
I respect what he's trying to do. He's just trying too hard.

Friday, March 14, 2008

I can beat up five year olds!!!

Seriosly. Click the button.

As long as they don't throw Angel in the mix...:P

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Ground Breaking, Dry Cleaning

I just came back from my favortie kind of event- loud, noisy, and all-out chaotic. Full of people, free ice cream (Uhm, YUM) and Maximum Ride fangirls. My school's groundbreaking ceremony. Where a ton of people (plus a woman who I've been seeing EVERYWHERE) talk about the won-der-ful program to improve our school. Or, as one woman put it, purgrom.
Arthur spent the whole time talking about how he wanted the Nano iPod up for raffle, and how that's all he cared about. He got-get this- FREE DRY CLEANING.
I havent heard from mouse since I switched from taluhk to
Is she pissed? meh, more to tell


I heard about them a yr ago, read the first in 2.5 hours yesterday (during CSAPS. I got it a 11 am)
I am now on the third. This is the fastest I have EVER read. Deep circles surround my eyes.


My GF is now calling herslef Cracked Mirror, for this reason "In a world full of people, I am diffrent. In a hall full of mirrors, I am cracked"
How the hell did she get so deep? I mean, the chick is 12!
I wish I could be diffrent. All of the people I meet are lemmings- you might notice some small deviances, but on the whole, they're all the same. Nobody differs from their group of birth or choice, no one really tries in any way to be unconfornmist. Even Emos, who claim to have reached the peak of nonconformity, conform to each other. But Andy has achived it- true nonconformism, without total isolation. I don't know how she does it. And the hard truth is begging to hit me- no matter how hard I try, I am a lemming. A conformist. I am the same as everyone else in this small, pathetic world. I may to be diffrent, but in the end I can be labled, pinned down, given expectations and a formula for how I will react, respond, think, see the world in general. I am told how to walk, to stop, sit, stay, good girl. I do it al. And I do it all-without question.

I have a new goal.
My new goal is to STOP conforming.
To reach true nonconformity. I don't know HOW I' going to do this. I am NOT copying Andy on the chain pants- those are just awesome. Would people PLEASE stop saying that whenever I take an interest in something she's interested in, I'm copying her!? Sheesh. Can't people share interests?
But yes, back on conformity. Right here, right now, I am going to promise myslef something. My highest goal is nonconformity. My highest compliment will not be "you lost weight!" or "you look good today!" It will be the blank stare and shock when I break every rule I can break, when I try to break free of this cage which is chokeing all I do, all I say.

God, I love her to death, but at the same time, I am so jealous of Andrea I could rip her throat out.
I hope she didnt read that.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008


I may not be

I may not be deep, or creative, or inspirational, or exotic.
But for the love of the godess, people, no one is required to read this blog!
I made it so I could rant and sort out my emotions (which I d best whilst typing, ask Andy if u need evidence)

Monday, March 10, 2008


I'm. So. Confused!

I have to see a doctor about depression on Thursday, and she's gonna put me on heavy-duty drugs. Drugs that will prevent me from feeling ANYTHING. "Flatten my affect" is the clinical term.
Call me crazy, but I love my mood swings. I love sinking into the deepest pits of depression and bouncing off the walls the next. I love not being able to tell what my life will be like in ten minets.
Also, I love being depressed. Dont ask me why, but I've been depressed four years and these have been the best four years of my life. My mood goes up then down then up then down, it's actually very fun.
What am I going to tell this doctor? I dont want medication? I'm thirteen! All adults look at me like "you're a little kid, you wouldn't understand." Theyd force me on heavy drugs to make me an obidient little sheep, one who accepts the words of her mother without qustion, one who desires to wear "normal" clothes and think "normal" thoughts.
Also, if I tell this doc I'm bi (which she will probably ask) she's gonna put me on meds to stop me being bi, along with a therapist to help.
I want to ENJOY kissing Andy! I want to feel pain when she is gone! I want to cry hysterically and laugh maniacly! I want to think my own thoughts, live my own life, not have a flattened mood so I'll be a little lapdog girl.
I can handle it. I love it.
Why does no one belive me?

Sunday, March 9, 2008

Death and Doom

Gary Guygacks (did I spell that right?) Has died. Last Tuesday. That really sucks. If you dont know about Gary, he was the inventor of Dungeons&Dragons, the world's best and orignial role playing game. Last night we did a litle memorial game, and someone brought a collasal dragon mini and we put D20's on it, with a little tea candle. It was really pretty, too, because we used our best D20's. I'm going to stick to versions 3.5 and MABYE 4.0, because those were the last two he actually helped with before he died, and any newer versions will not have his OK.
Hope you're having fun RPGing in the sky! We will miss you!

Saturday, March 8, 2008

Oh Dear Lord

I kissed Andrea. Not just kissed, but like tounge-in-mouth full-out snogging. I feel drunk, and woozy, and I sucked at DnD today. I died within the first thirty minets of what was to be a five hour session. Unfortunately enough, the session ended after two hours due to everyone dying.

I kissed Andrea.

I am insanely happy but also incoherent and tired and feel drunk and I can SMELL her which freaks me out on more than one level.

I even refused dark unsweetened chocolate sorbet (my fav!).

Do I tell my mom now!? What do I do!?

I can't wait to see Andy again...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Angles and Spirits

Uhm, on feb 12-13, I said

"I feel like I'm living in the first few chapters of those sob teen books"


"If by some miracle something goes RIGHT tomorrow I'll let you know."

thank you, angles and spirits who watch over me! Thank you a thousand million times!
I'm dating Andy
I lost a size and some weight
Andy is coming back to school!!!!!!

Thank you so much!


Oh yes, did I mention I'm dating Andy now?

:) That makes me sooooo happy!!!

Back To 14

I pulled myself of those goddammned motherfucking meds. Really, people, happy life sucks. Call me crazy. but I love the darkness. I love the depression, crave for tears. Mabye it's because my house is NOREALLYEVERYTHINGSFINEREALLY, my mom is anixious and has an unfuffilling life, and I NEED to feel. Something! I mean, I don't want to be the walking talking Barbie who does everything her mother wants and is a good little girl! I could never be Barbie, anyways. And what the fuck, I don't want to be! So what guys will pass me by without so much as a second glace? So what if girls snicker as I eat? You try being me. You try spending everyday yoyoing through happiness and depression. You try spending every day drowning in your own work, absorbed by a mother who dosent want to admit her problems and a father who has more than you can count!
So yes I am a 14 (in size) again. And you know what?

It's not your duty to lecture me.
It's not your duty to give me femminist bullcrap on size dosent matter.
It's your duty to judge by more than looks alone.