Friday, February 29, 2008

Size Ten

Well, I certainly am losing fast. Is that healthy? Mabye it's cause of my new anti-dperessants...
Anywho, whatever it is, I'm certainly not complaining. A week after I bought my 14's and already I can pull them out 5 inches at the waist. My GUESS is a size 10, but I'm buying new jeans 2morrow, I'll let you know.

ANDY LIKES ME!!!!!! I am still giddy even though I've had nearly 21 hrs to sit with it. But the best way to ruin a friendship is to date said friend. *sigh* I've wanted to date her practically since the beginning of 6th grade, and here's my chance, served up to me on a golden platter. She's free, likes me, and is a vision of perfection. I smell a rat. It's probably my paranoia talking, or mabye because SO MANY people have said "I like you!" only to tell me 24hrs or 2 wks l8r that no, they never really liked me, they just said that/went out with me because of pity. But good God (Sry god) I hope Andrea truly likes me. If she really does, I am ofically the happiest person ever.

When I started this blog, my two main goals were to
1) lose weight
2) Date andy or Benji.

Both are happening in such a short period of time... I don't want either to stop or (EEEK) reverse themsleves, but it just all seems a tad too perfect, you know? If you're reading this, please let me know that my two biggest desires coming true in life is actually a possibility.

Furthermore, people always say to me either
A) You have to be thin and gorgeous and don't pay attention to group B the creepy hippies!
B) Love what you are and don't pay attention to group A, the anti-women freaks!


Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Size 14

I have dropped a size. Whoop de fucking doo. here's a photo of my new haircut!

I cut my hair
I began a story


and, oh yea, I CANT EAT. I just cant. I cant sleep. I cant think. My mind has gone one-track, even blasting music dosent drown out my thoughts which keep coming and coming and coming.


All I can think about, and at the same time, I hate myself for thinking about her, because I know the best way to ruin a friendship is to date/break up with said friend. But I smell Fruit Loops EVERYWHERE, peoples! Plus, I am not the best dating candidate. I just need to clear my mind- I need some escape from this thought train.

Anyone who's reading this, please help me! I need to eat (I'm hungry) but I cant keep food down! I need to sleep, but my mind wont slow down! I want to write, but all my ideas are stopped by one word, a word I repeat and whisper and think about for days and days and days.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

V Day


sure, it's a great time to have a handy excuse for sex, but you could do that pretty much every day. I mean really. It's like the day was desinged to be a painful reminder of the pecking order of the shcool, just as lines are beginning to blur and acceptance is high, suddenly your waist size and the number of valentine's you recive is the only measure of how worhtwhile a human being you are. Now, I am a fan of thin girls, I will admit, but not that anorexic thiness. Like I could EVER date ANYONE. My standards should, according to fat girl code, be about as low as my chances of getting thin. Seriously, though, all those femme-crap readers right now are going "Girls with some weight are SEXAY!" and "THE RIGHT FUCKING GUY WILL COME ALONG, JUST WAIT!!!" yea, well, all lights and happiness to you ladies, but I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. This world wants this women. I am FAT. not "fluffy", "chubby", "padded", "overweight", "plump" or any of the other thousands of eufamisims. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT! That word is BURNED into my skull from the moment I wake up to the moment I slip into the void of sleep. Saying it to me won't make me depressed (too late), a cutter (also, too late) or make me get an eating disorder (um, EW). Diet tips WILL get you punched, in the face for females, in the balls for males. Giving me the evil fucking eye while I eat will get you a big, fat birdie. You want me to live on lo-fat yogurt till I drop sixty pounds!? Suggesting I should consider a diet is just offensive. I KNOW I'm fat, parading it in front of me like it's your god-goven DUTY is plain shit! It's not like I didn't NOTICE I am quite possibly the most disgusting thing to walk this earth, guilty of the only truly unforgivable crime in the nation! It's like a little tune I have to dance to. You'reFatGetThinGoDietDon'tEatThatNeverGetADateYou'reFat
Valentine's day SUCKS. It just remindes me of what a completely talentless, undateable person I am.
I can't write.
I can't draw.
I can't act.
I'm not brilliant.
I'm fat.

Just FAT. A person can BE nothing but FAT. Because, let's face it, despite whatever kinda hippy BS you pull, beauty is only skin deep. People judge you on their first 5 milliseconds of seeing you. (That's a scientific fact) I will never be pretty. I will never date. I will not cry.

Sorry about kind of ranting. Whatever popped into my head is what I typed. I'm not gonna proofread it, figure out the mispelled words yourself.


update soon
if something, by sheer miracle, goes RIGHT tomorrow, I'll let you all know.
Please comment if you feel moved to do so!

Oh Happy Day

It's the third day anniversary of my flu! Thankfully, he's decided to vacate and grab a new pad...if slooowly. My throat feels better, my nose is still going tho. I gathered up enough energy to take a *drum roll* SHOWER! after 3 days of not showering, I was smelling kinda funky.

I hate VDay. I plan to flip anyone off tomorrow who makes a "witty" crack about fat girls. Me and Ella ARE the token "Fat Girls" at our school. It's like I'm LIVING the first few tedious chapters of teen sob books, where nothing is right for the protagonist.

Is sob short for anything?

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

The Unforgiven

A truly great song, done with four cellos

It's a BIG ad!

Now, I do not usually belive in commercials, unless they are hilarious. Here is one example of a true gem:

Sick Day

I'm sick as a dog today. Blergh. I've confined myself to the guest bedroom and am attempting to sleep off the virus that's spreading around my house.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

All because

All because I am a coward.
All because I am too afraid of a well-deserved reaction.

I have been surviving a hell. A hell where my mother's white picket-fence dream is being forced into my reality, where HER unfufilled childhood is shaping mine. I need to:

-Have long hair
-Be happy
-Not date until 16 no snogging until marriage

to make my mother's lif e"complete". But I do not wish to do this. I want to:

-Chop my hair off
-Dye my hair black
-Admit openly I'm a Bisexual without being punished
-Not have my every movement tracked and watched and monitored.


I think they just read my post.....
oh shit oh shit


An email I sent to my friends

I have no privacy. Every action I take, every flux in my mood, is monitored by my parents. Litterally. I am not allowed to IM or talk to or email ppl (especially u Andy, I DONT KNOW WHY)
They are afraid I'll cut, or commit suicide. All because I needed a MENTAL HEALTH DAY. I am denied my health day, and instead given insanity in it's place.

it seems cruel.
and you are a brave, brave woman, Andy.
Ellie- you are a great friend. I doubt I'll be in school tomorrow.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Crushes, Hot Topic, and The Battle Of The Sexes

I was standing outside of school with Benji (one of my 2 ongoing crushes) in the middle of a heated debate over the blue eyed "gene" and wether females are superior, or F/M are equal. Funnily enough, he didnt mention the Male Superior thing....ah well. Another day, perhaps ;). When he pipes up "What IS Hot Topic, again?" Now, now. I was in a pretty cranky mood already (my hand hurt like a SOB, and I knew there was NO WAY I'd get my homework done at this rate.) so I pointed to him, turned to the few remaining students, and screamed "THIS ONE OVER HERE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HOT TOPIC IS!!! THEREFORE, HE IS AN INFERIOR BEING!!" Benji has backed up against a wall at this point, so I shove him twoards the crowd "THIS ONE!"

Some started, wide eyed, some backed away, some giggled. But I swear to god- EVERY conversation stopped. I'm so proud :).