Friday, July 24, 2009

Clusterfuck of Sparkles

Alright, I'm sick of people wondering why the fuck I don't like the Twilight series. I'm fourteen, single, and in blossom. Why don't I want to fuck a marble statue or read a giddy romance?
Well, I will now outline my reasons in clear, easy to read format.

1. They Are Not Vampires
Seriously. They couldn't be LESS of a vampire. Everyone drinks animal blood. It's called steak, or meat, or anything, really, has blood in it. Vampires die in the sunlight. Vampires are not venomous. How one becomes a vampire is under hot debate, but it's not poison. Nope. No way. Not gonna happen. Vampires drink human blood. They have fangs. Vampirism is a curse, not a blessing. True, you may get some supernatural abilities if you're well fed, but other than that, you're fucked because you'll live forever, see all that shit, watch all your friends die and kill a ton of people. Ever wonder why real vampires are insane? Because being a vampire is one of the least pleasant things I can imagine. I cannot stress this point enough. And no, it is not Ms. Meyer's "imagining" of vampires. Anne Rice reimagined the vampire, but all the basics were there, and her vampires did not fundamentally change the way vampires work. Your vampires are an insult to vampires everywhere. Meyers wanted angsty, hot teenagers, and the safest kind of danger possible. Please! Your "vampires" are dark superheros. That's a legit genre.
Next we'll have zombies that don't eat brains.

2. Overt Sexism
Translation: Bella is nothing without her man. SO much of a nothing that she tries to die and litterally has no fucking clue what she's doing unless he's around. Edward hurts her, abuses her, beats her, yet this is all somehow OK because he says he does it "because I love you." Sound familiar?

3. We Don't Need Wannabes
Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep up with all these new hopefuls? Twelve and thirteen year old girls, bent on becoming a sparkle-fest, seek vampirism. Hell, my initiator has set up this policy to show all new hopefuls the true horrors of vampires before she even CONSIDERS them. Usually, we keep the blood and guts and pain away from the hopefuls until it's too late for them to change their mind. Now we hope they change their mind, since we don't allow under eighteens. (Don't ask how I got in.) They ask us to go out into the sun, wonder why we sleep in coffins, shriek at the sight of the... *ahem*... messier details of our lives. It's horrible. They're barely time for hunting during the blood hours with all these idiots hovering about.

4. We Don't Need Wannabes, Part Two
Also, the goth/blood doll community dos not need you. You look like a tool trying to fit in.

5. The "Stories" Have No Plot
The entire series is pretty much an ode to hot guys.

6. All The "Vampires" Are Wimps
In all the books, the bad guys go running after a stare-down. That's right, the mighty non vampires STARE AT EACH OTHER AS A TURF WAR. Also, the closest thing we get to scary, or vampire, in the whole series is a rip off of Anne Rice. At the end of New Moon, the Volturi... are basically just Anne Rice's characters made shitty and given different names. It's like somebody went "oh, shit! How did we end up in good literature?! Quickly! Revert back!" And the Volturi promptly vanish. What the FUCK. Also, if you're gonna rip off Lestat and Louis, then at the very least don't make them total angst ridden cardboard cutouts.

Feel free to make an argument against me. I will promptly tear it to shreds.


Anonymous said...

hmm... "real vampires"? What do any of us know about vampires? People who spend their time slavering over any of the various versions of vampires and love them are just as angst-ridden and teenage as the rest of us, I bet when those books first came out you were just as eager for them, that you fell in love with the sparkly ones, but when you realized that that was the conformist thing to do, you dispatched all dreams of vampires with souls, you read more and more traditional vampire literature that you promptly began to revere as much as your old "sparkly vampires" i'm guessing you probably like to think you're a vampire now, maybe you even like to carry around an umbrella to keep out of the sun. You want immortality, some talisman to ward against the curse of age and responsibility... but there is no such protection, by the way, incase you didn't notice, edward leaves bella so that she can be normal, because she was hurt by one of his kind, he tries to commit suicide when he thinks she's dead (don't you think that's insanity? If you don't i'm worried...) he tells her they can't have sex anymore when he realizes he beat her up, at first he told her they could never have sex while she was human, he isn't hurting her to "teach her a lesson", and hello, he is a vampire... you want it both ways, you want him to drink people's blood and kill lots of vampires and people but you also want him to be a perfect gentleman who never so much as touches her, you want too much from one person and one author! also, there probably will be stories about zombies that resist the urge to feed... oh well... we could go on and on forever, i just like finding random blog posts and attacking them, but your blog is interesting, I just like a good debate, hopefully I haven't offended you, you just had that little thing at the bottom that said to disagree, so I did :)
good blog, but kind of personal, it really is like reading someone's diary, try it in poem form, then you can be as cryptic as you want to be...
-one who is sick of the debate but does random arguments because she can't help herself
P.P.S. the original vampires were ruddy and dark, with lots of unnatural body hair, Bram Stokers dracula is a far cry from traditional and anne rice is the last generation's twilight, just so's ya know
*i'm actually a nice person... I promise*

Agent Riot said...

The train of your argument, although flirting with thought, promptly proceeded to crash and burn.
1.) Yes, I did read the Twilight series. I did. I admit it. The reason I started to hate them is because of book no. 4. I'm trying to redeem myself.
2.) I do carry around an umbrella, but not because I'm a vampire. I like being pale, I always have, I always will.
3.) Bram Stoker's the first to shove vampirism into pop culture. True, they are horrible beasts. But show me the text where they're... hairy? WTF?
4.) I don't want Edward to kill anyone. I want him to drink blood and have fangs and be burned by sunlight, like every other vampire book ever written.
5.) I never claimed Edward was trying to teach Bella a lesson. Ever.
6.) Seriously? Zombies that resist the urge to feed? Do you realize they have no frontal cortex? They cannot make rational decisions.
7.) Yes, I think it's insanity to try to kill yourself after you voluntarily leave your love. Also, there was no way Bella would have lead a normal life, she has no personality. When is she ever defined as a person sans Edward?
8.) Tell Me Who You Are. There are 3 people who read this blog, I'm guessing you're my ex, but hell, if you are one of the Teeming Millions, nice to meet you!

Emmaaa! said...

While I feel people arguing over the "facts" of fictional stories somewhat ridiculous, I agree with everything you said.