Midnight

Its almost midnight.
I'm not even vaugely tired.

My mind is running in impossible circles, and the only two options I have aren't execptable. One; run away like the coward I am, throw away the one thing that matters to me most. Break up with Andrea. It took me twenty minets to type those four words, because even the mere thought of doing that stabs giant holes in my chest. Option Two; live through summer, knowing I'll see Andy in the fall. Not okay. I'm in enough pain as/is. The other options all make no sense or require bending of reality to come true.

I don't know whats happening to me. It's a bit early for PMS- as a matter of fact, freakishly early, so that's been discounted. Sleep. I have to sleep. My mind is still going in torturing cricles, slowly stripping away whatever limited concept of sanity I have left. I need a distraction, something I can throw myself into to occupy my body and mind.

I need to throw a party.

That's what I'll do. A sleepover- june 8-9. A twilight themed party. With Lucy. And lots of weird things. Go Alice on their asses. I will plan an epic party. I will endure till june 9th planning my party. Then Elena will arrive; my mind will clear. Or not. It might fog up more.

It's days like this I regret giving up cutting. Pain takes away every other emotion and lets your mind be clear, for once, to think. I need a clear head right now. How do I get one?