OMG

I TOLD MY DAD I'M BI. HOLY SHIT. HE IS THE GUY I TRUST THE LEAST IN THE WORLD AND HE KNOOOOWS!!!!
fuck
fuck
fuck

If it wern't for Andrea (I love you! (this much!)) and Loose Lips by Kimya Dawson, I would be sobbing now.

I WAS WRONG~!!!

YAY!!!! ANDY DOSENT HATE ME!!!!! SHE WASNT TALKING ABOUT ME!!!!
HAPPY, HAPPY, DAY!!!

Please, if you are merciful, shoot me now

I can't live anymore. I can't do it in this state. Andy hates me. I'm her main antagonist. Because I didn't like Maximum Ride four. I- I'm at a complete and utter loss for words, for the first time in my life, I am stunned into silence. I feel like puking. Puking and cutting. Cutting deep enough to see a little river of crimson blood seep through my brand-new chain pants- deep enough to somehow gouge out this feeling of utter emptiness, of sadness. I love Andrea. I love her so much there is very little I wouldn't do for her- nothing I wouldn't do for her. An hour dosen't go by where I don't think of her- and she hates me. I am her antagonist. Please, please, please, if you're a merciful, save-the-puppies kind of person, shoot me now. This pain is cruel, I'm living in a cruel state of being, a state when I am no longer capable of helping even myslef. Please shoot me now.
Oh, god, why do I have to be such a self centered pig?! Why did I post that post? Why do I try to plan things at the last minet? Why do I let me grades slip away without caring?
No ammount of blood could make me feel better now.
Please kill me, or I'll have to do it myself.

Something More

There is ALWAYS something more to aim for. I finally got my chain pants today- suprise!- I'm not allowed to wear them out of the house. I...just want so much for for my look. For my life.



God. I hate myself sometimes.

GCFE

Genetic

Code

Freedom

Experement

"The Flock"

Tizri

Eliana

Alma

Leah

Andrea

Brigita

Ethen

Sawyer (Gilbert)

(empty)

(empty)

"Angel Experement"

Flock

Bridger (angel of death)

Grahams

Cupids

Shreaders( Flying cats)

GCFE

Angel experement

Erasers

Skales( Snake Erasers)

Maybe leif!!!

Swinging is soooooo much fun!!

I sat at the top of a hill, in a snowstorm, swinging for two and half hours on monday. Belive me, I had brought along and jacket and a sweater and a shirt, but I tore all these off once I was in the air, because ohmigod, there is nothing like the freedom of swinging in a snowstorm. Swinging without your legs is also way fun- just shift your abs to propel yourself forward. (Don't worry- I still had on a tank top, I wasnt nude). My mom FLIPPED when she saw me, she made me take a shower the second I walked in the door. Once I reached the mirror I saw why. I was sooo red, almost purple, all over. A note for those of you who freeze like this in the future- DONT TAKE A SHOWER. ANY kind of water, hot or cold, will sting like hell. I ended up plugging all the air vents and the door, then turning the shower to full heat blast and letting the room get steamier than a suana. That felt sooooo good, I stayed in the misty bathroom for almost an hour.

I started a new book 2day. No telling what it's about yet, you'll se ;)

I swing on an average for 2-3 hours every day now. Does that count as a workout or should I still go 2 the gym?

Second Thoughts On Final Warning

Well, I went to maximumride.com, and clicked on the video.
It changed my mind, totally and completely.
Seeing Max's wing whoosh out like that, hearing her voice....
They're trying to do good. I guess I can forgo storytime for that. I'm joining the flock, as soon as I can get a good photo of myself!!!

Intial Thoughts on The Final Warning

SPOILER WARNING!!!!!! Procede at own risk!!!

Okay, okay, like any good fan, I woke up at three forty-five this morning and read the forth Maximum Ride book straight through.
It. Sucked. Ass.
It didn't KICK ass, like most MR books do.
It just sucked.
When Patterson started out on this series, I was hooked almost instantly. I luuurv sci-fi, and this story was complex, scientifically possible, and very humorous. I ate all of the first three books in three days. The first two were an awesome, smashing, wild ride through Max, Iggy, Nudge, Fang, Total, The Gasman, and Angel's lives. They were wise, they were strong, they were kids. (sardastic, synical, all sorts of fun stuff).
The thrid book hinted in a major way that we shouldn't let big, evil corporations rule us, that pullution and global warming is bad, stuff like that. But the story was still a STORY. It was still FUN. And don't get me wrong, I am totally aginst all that warming and destruction and stuff, and I'm doing everything I can to help, belive me.
This fourth book is a lecture. In the whole thing, only two punches and one kick are thrown (Two of those three were aimed at a lepoard seal,) and there wasn't ONE. STINKING. BATTLE. It was one loooong, interminably dull lecture on the affects of global warming and pullution and shit like that. The characters go OOC (out of character) so often I almost forgot what their actual personalities are like. Fang is emotional (very), Iggy and Gazzy don't do anything mischiveous, Angel isn't creepy (she's acting more like a six year old than ever,) Max isn't wise-cracking and tough (she's actually matureing) and Jeb is suddenly for no reason no longer evil. Max even makes a four-page speech on the evils of pullution.
I'm sorry, but I read this series to be entertained. To hear a story. I have full respect for what Patterson is trying to do, use his fame and his chracter's reputation to rally forth us children to save the diminishing world, but as he proved in the third book, he can do that and still write a novel, not a paper.
It's just...out of hand. I want a story. I want an action novel that actually has some action in it. I want to see a Flyboy get the crap beaten out of him. I don't want this lesson on evil corporations and noxious gasses.
I respect what he's trying to do. He's just trying too hard.

I can beat up five year olds!!!

Seriosly. Click the button.

As long as they don't throw Angel in the mix...:P
25

Ground Breaking, Dry Cleaning

WHEEEEEE!!!!!
I just came back from my favortie kind of event- loud, noisy, and all-out chaotic. Full of people, free ice cream (Uhm, YUM) and Maximum Ride fangirls. My school's groundbreaking ceremony. Where a ton of people (plus a woman who I've been seeing EVERYWHERE) talk about the won-der-ful program to improve our school. Or, as one woman put it, purgrom.
LOL
Arthur spent the whole time talking about how he wanted the Nano iPod up for raffle, and how that's all he cared about. He got-get this- FREE DRY CLEANING.
I havent heard from mouse since I switched from taluhk to soraluvriku@yahoo.com
Is she pissed? meh, more to tell


MAXIMUM RIDE FOUR COMES OUT MONDAY!!!!!!!I CANT WAIT!!!!! HOLY FUCKING CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!

I heard about them a yr ago, read the first in 2.5 hours yesterday (during CSAPS. I got it a 11 am)
I am now on the third. This is the fastest I have EVER read. Deep circles surround my eyes.

Cracked

My GF is now calling herslef Cracked Mirror, for this reason "In a world full of people, I am diffrent. In a hall full of mirrors, I am cracked"
How the hell did she get so deep? I mean, the chick is 12!
I wish I could be diffrent. All of the people I meet are lemmings- you might notice some small deviances, but on the whole, they're all the same. Nobody differs from their group of birth or choice, no one really tries in any way to be unconfornmist. Even Emos, who claim to have reached the peak of nonconformity, conform to each other. But Andy has achived it- true nonconformism, without total isolation. I don't know how she does it. And the hard truth is begging to hit me- no matter how hard I try, I am a lemming. A conformist. I am the same as everyone else in this small, pathetic world. I may to be diffrent, but in the end I can be labled, pinned down, given expectations and a formula for how I will react, respond, think, see the world in general. I am told how to walk, to stop, sit, stay, good girl. I do it al. And I do it all-without question.

I have a new goal.
My new goal is to STOP conforming.
To reach true nonconformity. I don't know HOW I' going to do this. I am NOT copying Andy on the chain pants- those are just awesome. Would people PLEASE stop saying that whenever I take an interest in something she's interested in, I'm copying her!? Sheesh. Can't people share interests?
But yes, back on conformity. Right here, right now, I am going to promise myslef something. My highest goal is nonconformity. My highest compliment will not be "you lost weight!" or "you look good today!" It will be the blank stare and shock when I break every rule I can break, when I try to break free of this cage which is chokeing all I do, all I say.


God, I love her to death, but at the same time, I am so jealous of Andrea I could rip her throat out.
I hope she didnt read that.

Video

I may not be

I may not be deep, or creative, or inspirational, or exotic.
But for the love of the godess, people, no one is required to read this blog!
I made it so I could rant and sort out my emotions (which I d best whilst typing, ask Andy if u need evidence)

Confused

I'm. So. Confused!

I have to see a doctor about depression on Thursday, and she's gonna put me on heavy-duty drugs. Drugs that will prevent me from feeling ANYTHING. "Flatten my affect" is the clinical term.
Call me crazy, but I love my mood swings. I love sinking into the deepest pits of depression and bouncing off the walls the next. I love not being able to tell what my life will be like in ten minets.
Also, I love being depressed. Dont ask me why, but I've been depressed four years and these have been the best four years of my life. My mood goes up then down then up then down, it's actually very fun.
What am I going to tell this doctor? I dont want medication? I'm thirteen! All adults look at me like "you're a little kid, you wouldn't understand." Theyd force me on heavy drugs to make me an obidient little sheep, one who accepts the words of her mother without qustion, one who desires to wear "normal" clothes and think "normal" thoughts.
Also, if I tell this doc I'm bi (which she will probably ask) she's gonna put me on meds to stop me being bi, along with a therapist to help.
FUCK THAT.
I want to ENJOY kissing Andy! I want to feel pain when she is gone! I want to cry hysterically and laugh maniacly! I want to think my own thoughts, live my own life, not have a flattened mood so I'll be a little lapdog girl.
I can handle it. I love it.
Why does no one belive me?

Death and Doom

Gary Guygacks (did I spell that right?) Has died. Last Tuesday. That really sucks. If you dont know about Gary, he was the inventor of Dungeons&Dragons, the world's best and orignial role playing game. Last night we did a litle memorial game, and someone brought a collasal dragon mini and we put D20's on it, with a little tea candle. It was really pretty, too, because we used our best D20's. I'm going to stick to versions 3.5 and MABYE 4.0, because those were the last two he actually helped with before he died, and any newer versions will not have his OK.
Hope you're having fun RPGing in the sky! We will miss you!

Oh Dear Lord

I kissed Andrea. Not just kissed, but like tounge-in-mouth full-out snogging. I feel drunk, and woozy, and I sucked at DnD today. I died within the first thirty minets of what was to be a five hour session. Unfortunately enough, the session ended after two hours due to everyone dying.

I kissed Andrea.

I am insanely happy but also incoherent and tired and feel drunk and I can SMELL her which freaks me out on more than one level.

I even refused dark unsweetened chocolate sorbet (my fav!).

Do I tell my mom now!? What do I do!?

I can't wait to see Andy again...

Angles and Spirits

Uhm, on feb 12-13, I said

"I feel like I'm living in the first few chapters of those sob teen books"

and

"If by some miracle something goes RIGHT tomorrow I'll let you know."


HOLY CRAP
thank you, angles and spirits who watch over me! Thank you a thousand million times!
I'm dating Andy
I lost a size and some weight
Andy is coming back to school!!!!!!


Thank you so much!

Andrea

Oh yes, did I mention I'm dating Andy now?

:) That makes me sooooo happy!!!

Back To 14

I pulled myself of those goddammned motherfucking meds. Really, people, happy life sucks. Call me crazy. but I love the darkness. I love the depression, crave for tears. Mabye it's because my house is NOREALLYEVERYTHINGSFINEREALLY, my mom is anixious and has an unfuffilling life, and I NEED to feel. Something! I mean, I don't want to be the walking talking Barbie who does everything her mother wants and is a good little girl! I could never be Barbie, anyways. And what the fuck, I don't want to be! So what guys will pass me by without so much as a second glace? So what if girls snicker as I eat? You try being me. You try spending everyday yoyoing through happiness and depression. You try spending every day drowning in your own work, absorbed by a mother who dosent want to admit her problems and a father who has more than you can count!
So yes I am a 14 (in size) again. And you know what?

It's not your duty to lecture me.
It's not your duty to give me femminist bullcrap on size dosent matter.
It's your duty to judge by more than looks alone.

Size Ten

Well, I certainly am losing fast. Is that healthy? Mabye it's cause of my new anti-dperessants...
Anywho, whatever it is, I'm certainly not complaining. A week after I bought my 14's and already I can pull them out 5 inches at the waist. My GUESS is a size 10, but I'm buying new jeans 2morrow, I'll let you know.

ANDY LIKES ME!!!!!! I am still giddy even though I've had nearly 21 hrs to sit with it. But the best way to ruin a friendship is to date said friend. *sigh* I've wanted to date her practically since the beginning of 6th grade, and here's my chance, served up to me on a golden platter. She's free, likes me, and is a vision of perfection. I smell a rat. It's probably my paranoia talking, or mabye because SO MANY people have said "I like you!" only to tell me 24hrs or 2 wks l8r that no, they never really liked me, they just said that/went out with me because of pity. But good God (Sry god) I hope Andrea truly likes me. If she really does, I am ofically the happiest person ever.

When I started this blog, my two main goals were to
1) lose weight
2) Date andy or Benji.


Both are happening in such a short period of time... I don't want either to stop or (EEEK) reverse themsleves, but it just all seems a tad too perfect, you know? If you're reading this, please let me know that my two biggest desires coming true in life is actually a possibility.



Furthermore, people always say to me either
A) You have to be thin and gorgeous and don't pay attention to group B the creepy hippies!
B) Love what you are and don't pay attention to group A, the anti-women freaks!



I'M SO DAMN CONFUSED!!!

Size 14

I have dropped a size. Whoop de fucking doo. here's a photo of my new haircut!


I cut my hair
I began a story





ANDREA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE STOP NOW. DO IT FOR ME, OK?


and, oh yea, I CANT EAT. I just cant. I cant sleep. I cant think. My mind has gone one-track, even blasting music dosent drown out my thoughts which keep coming and coming and coming.


Andrea.
Andrea.
Andrea.


All I can think about, and at the same time, I hate myself for thinking about her, because I know the best way to ruin a friendship is to date/break up with said friend. But I smell Fruit Loops EVERYWHERE, peoples! Plus, I am not the best dating candidate. I just need to clear my mind- I need some escape from this thought train.

Anyone who's reading this, please help me! I need to eat (I'm hungry) but I cant keep food down! I need to sleep, but my mind wont slow down! I want to write, but all my ideas are stopped by one word, a word I repeat and whisper and think about for days and days and days.

V Day

WHO IN THE NINE HELLS CAME UP WITH THIS GODDAMMED HOLIDAY!??!?!?!

sure, it's a great time to have a handy excuse for sex, but you could do that pretty much every day. I mean really. It's like the day was desinged to be a painful reminder of the pecking order of the shcool, just as lines are beginning to blur and acceptance is high, suddenly your waist size and the number of valentine's you recive is the only measure of how worhtwhile a human being you are. Now, I am a fan of thin girls, I will admit, but not that anorexic thiness. Like I could EVER date ANYONE. My standards should, according to fat girl code, be about as low as my chances of getting thin. Seriously, though, all those femme-crap readers right now are going "Girls with some weight are SEXAY!" and "THE RIGHT FUCKING GUY WILL COME ALONG, JUST WAIT!!!" yea, well, all lights and happiness to you ladies, but I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. This world wants this women. I am FAT. not "fluffy", "chubby", "padded", "overweight", "plump" or any of the other thousands of eufamisims. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT! That word is BURNED into my skull from the moment I wake up to the moment I slip into the void of sleep. Saying it to me won't make me depressed (too late), a cutter (also, too late) or make me get an eating disorder (um, EW). Diet tips WILL get you punched, in the face for females, in the balls for males. Giving me the evil fucking eye while I eat will get you a big, fat birdie. You want me to live on lo-fat yogurt till I drop sixty pounds!? Suggesting I should consider a diet is just offensive. I KNOW I'm fat, parading it in front of me like it's your god-goven DUTY is plain shit! It's not like I didn't NOTICE I am quite possibly the most disgusting thing to walk this earth, guilty of the only truly unforgivable crime in the nation! It's like a little tune I have to dance to. You'reFatGetThinGoDietDon'tEatThatNeverGetADateYou'reFat
Valentine's day SUCKS. It just remindes me of what a completely talentless, undateable person I am.
I can't write.
I can't draw.
I can't act.
I'm not brilliant.
I'm fat.

Just FAT. A person can BE nothing but FAT. Because, let's face it, despite whatever kinda hippy BS you pull, beauty is only skin deep. People judge you on their first 5 milliseconds of seeing you. (That's a scientific fact) I will never be pretty. I will never date. I will not cry.



Sorry about kind of ranting. Whatever popped into my head is what I typed. I'm not gonna proofread it, figure out the mispelled words yourself.


Tizri


update soon
if something, by sheer miracle, goes RIGHT tomorrow, I'll let you all know.
Please comment if you feel moved to do so!

Oh Happy Day

It's the third day anniversary of my flu! Thankfully, he's decided to vacate and grab a new pad...if slooowly. My throat feels better, my nose is still going tho. I gathered up enough energy to take a *drum roll* SHOWER! after 3 days of not showering, I was smelling kinda funky.

I hate VDay. I plan to flip anyone off tomorrow who makes a "witty" crack about fat girls. Me and Ella ARE the token "Fat Girls" at our school. It's like I'm LIVING the first few tedious chapters of teen sob books, where nothing is right for the protagonist.

Is sob short for anything?

The Unforgiven

A truly great song, done with four cellos

It's a BIG ad!

Now, I do not usually belive in commercials, unless they are hilarious. Here is one example of a true gem:

Sick Day

I'm sick as a dog today. Blergh. I've confined myself to the guest bedroom and am attempting to sleep off the virus that's spreading around my house.

All because

All because I am a coward.
All because I am too afraid of a well-deserved reaction.

I have been surviving a hell. A hell where my mother's white picket-fence dream is being forced into my reality, where HER unfufilled childhood is shaping mine. I need to:

-Have long hair
-Be happy
-Not date until 16 no snogging until marriage

to make my mother's lif e"complete". But I do not wish to do this. I want to:

-Chop my hair off
-Dye my hair black
-Admit openly I'm a Bisexual without being punished
-Not have my every movement tracked and watched and monitored.




OH SHIT THEY GOT THE BIBLE OUT.

I think they just read my post.....
oh shit oh shit

g2g

An email I sent to my friends

I have no privacy. Every action I take, every flux in my mood, is monitored by my parents. Litterally. I am not allowed to IM or talk to or email ppl (especially u Andy, I DONT KNOW WHY)
They are afraid I'll cut, or commit suicide. All because I needed a MENTAL HEALTH DAY. I am denied my health day, and instead given insanity in it's place.

it seems cruel.
and you are a brave, brave woman, Andy.
Ellie- you are a great friend. I doubt I'll be in school tomorrow.

Crushes, Hot Topic, and The Battle Of The Sexes

I was standing outside of school with Benji (one of my 2 ongoing crushes) in the middle of a heated debate over the blue eyed "gene" and wether females are superior, or F/M are equal. Funnily enough, he didnt mention the Male Superior thing....ah well. Another day, perhaps ;). When he pipes up "What IS Hot Topic, again?" Now, now. I was in a pretty cranky mood already (my hand hurt like a SOB, and I knew there was NO WAY I'd get my homework done at this rate.) so I pointed to him, turned to the few remaining students, and screamed "THIS ONE OVER HERE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HOT TOPIC IS!!! THEREFORE, HE IS AN INFERIOR BEING!!" Benji has backed up against a wall at this point, so I shove him twoards the crowd "THIS ONE!"

Some started, wide eyed, some backed away, some giggled. But I swear to god- EVERY conversation stopped. I'm so proud :).

Andrea IS BI!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! WHICH MEANS I HAVE A SMALL, INFENTESIMITLY SMALL, CHANCE!!!!!!!! w00t!

Andrea/Hannah

Yes, I know. I post a lot about my best friend. I just miss Hannah, you know? It's like I'm grieving someone who hasn't died yet. I know, I dont blame her and all for being Emo and such, but I dont...seem to get along to well with emos, and I'm worried I'll lose her to the ever-growing crowd of depressed teens. The old Hannah was predictable. Her clothes were of the punk style, she always wore a hat, and as long as I didnt push the people thing, she would always be at hand whenever I just needed to vent for a while. We would spend hours talking with her boyfriend on speakerphone. (I was the one who hooked them uup in the first place, I get the credit!) We liked the same shows, the same videogames.
This new Andrea person is NOT the Hannah I knew, I can tell you that much. She's just diffrent, somehow. I'm not sure how this will work out. It's scary.

No Matter How You Try

You will never be more ego-crushing than this photo:

I love potterrific!

here is an example of their genius!
The URL: http://www.closet-space.com/comics/fancomics/simplypotterific/sp012.htm

One of my fav. Comics:

Oh, Shit.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.
My best friend in the entire world has changed her name to Andrea and gone goth.
And. Oh. My. God.
She is, by far, the hottest girl I have ever seen in my whole life. EVER.
Shit! Dammit, Andy, you're so irresistable!

Well, anywho, some news on the Benji Front- his SIB (social ineptetute bubble) has a HOLE in it!! YAY!!! Somehow, I was supposed to DO something about this, because he said (in our second firedrill during 4th period) that it had closed up. He says stuff in leaking in his bubble. What stuff, however, I do not know. He described it as "junk mail". Ew, that sounded dirty. :P Weeeeeell, I guess Bneji/Aggg now has stuff in his bubble that he does not want there. Poo to him. It's his buisness- let him bitch and moan about it, but I dont care.


Okay, fine. I do care.
God, why is it that one of my long-term crushes is staright, and the other is a geek who has had like NO HORMONES penetrate his bubble? This sucks.

Oh yea, his bubble keeps science+math in, social-ness OUT.

I almost finished with my painting of Elena (my cousin) and Marcus (her son!). I just need to add some texture to his blanket and I'm golden.

I'm way into Placebo now (thxs Elena). I really like Special K and Pure Morning. Also like Running Up That Hill and The Bitter End.

My teacher Ms. Ares has melanoma. It's now in her lungs and bones and crud like that. She has a 50% of going back into remission, and a 6% of being cured. Also, a 44% of death. My heart and physcic energy goes out to you, hon!

I'm trying to think of a name for my Drow DND char. Mabye Xune. I donno.
Kinaria? Nah...

Oops!

I accidentaly screwed up the comic. Here's the Web Page if u wanna read it proper-like:

http://xkcd.net/311/

Serenity IS The Meaning Of Life

No, seriously. I'm gonna watch the new Terminator soley to see Summer Glau again. I really don't care about much else, if it has Kaylee, Mal, River, Simmon, Wash, ANYONE from Firefly in it, I'm there. And I know what Fox would like to see:















































































































It should also have some sex scenes of Kaylee+Simon so that Fox buys it. Mabye THEN they'll bring Firefly back.


Shiny, capt'n Tight-Pants!