Size Ten

Well, I certainly am losing fast. Is that healthy? Mabye it's cause of my new anti-dperessants...
Anywho, whatever it is, I'm certainly not complaining. A week after I bought my 14's and already I can pull them out 5 inches at the waist. My GUESS is a size 10, but I'm buying new jeans 2morrow, I'll let you know.

ANDY LIKES ME!!!!!! I am still giddy even though I've had nearly 21 hrs to sit with it. But the best way to ruin a friendship is to date said friend. *sigh* I've wanted to date her practically since the beginning of 6th grade, and here's my chance, served up to me on a golden platter. She's free, likes me, and is a vision of perfection. I smell a rat. It's probably my paranoia talking, or mabye because SO MANY people have said "I like you!" only to tell me 24hrs or 2 wks l8r that no, they never really liked me, they just said that/went out with me because of pity. But good God (Sry god) I hope Andrea truly likes me. If she really does, I am ofically the happiest person ever.

When I started this blog, my two main goals were to
1) lose weight
2) Date andy or Benji.


Both are happening in such a short period of time... I don't want either to stop or (EEEK) reverse themsleves, but it just all seems a tad too perfect, you know? If you're reading this, please let me know that my two biggest desires coming true in life is actually a possibility.



Furthermore, people always say to me either
A) You have to be thin and gorgeous and don't pay attention to group B the creepy hippies!
B) Love what you are and don't pay attention to group A, the anti-women freaks!



I'M SO DAMN CONFUSED!!!

Size 14

I have dropped a size. Whoop de fucking doo. here's a photo of my new haircut!


I cut my hair
I began a story





ANDREA, IF YOU ARE READING THIS, PLEASE STOP NOW. DO IT FOR ME, OK?


and, oh yea, I CANT EAT. I just cant. I cant sleep. I cant think. My mind has gone one-track, even blasting music dosent drown out my thoughts which keep coming and coming and coming.


Andrea.
Andrea.
Andrea.


All I can think about, and at the same time, I hate myself for thinking about her, because I know the best way to ruin a friendship is to date/break up with said friend. But I smell Fruit Loops EVERYWHERE, peoples! Plus, I am not the best dating candidate. I just need to clear my mind- I need some escape from this thought train.

Anyone who's reading this, please help me! I need to eat (I'm hungry) but I cant keep food down! I need to sleep, but my mind wont slow down! I want to write, but all my ideas are stopped by one word, a word I repeat and whisper and think about for days and days and days.

V Day

WHO IN THE NINE HELLS CAME UP WITH THIS GODDAMMED HOLIDAY!??!?!?!

sure, it's a great time to have a handy excuse for sex, but you could do that pretty much every day. I mean really. It's like the day was desinged to be a painful reminder of the pecking order of the shcool, just as lines are beginning to blur and acceptance is high, suddenly your waist size and the number of valentine's you recive is the only measure of how worhtwhile a human being you are. Now, I am a fan of thin girls, I will admit, but not that anorexic thiness. Like I could EVER date ANYONE. My standards should, according to fat girl code, be about as low as my chances of getting thin. Seriously, though, all those femme-crap readers right now are going "Girls with some weight are SEXAY!" and "THE RIGHT FUCKING GUY WILL COME ALONG, JUST WAIT!!!" yea, well, all lights and happiness to you ladies, but I'm not being pessimistic. I'm being realistic. This world wants this women. I am FAT. not "fluffy", "chubby", "padded", "overweight", "plump" or any of the other thousands of eufamisims. FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT! That word is BURNED into my skull from the moment I wake up to the moment I slip into the void of sleep. Saying it to me won't make me depressed (too late), a cutter (also, too late) or make me get an eating disorder (um, EW). Diet tips WILL get you punched, in the face for females, in the balls for males. Giving me the evil fucking eye while I eat will get you a big, fat birdie. You want me to live on lo-fat yogurt till I drop sixty pounds!? Suggesting I should consider a diet is just offensive. I KNOW I'm fat, parading it in front of me like it's your god-goven DUTY is plain shit! It's not like I didn't NOTICE I am quite possibly the most disgusting thing to walk this earth, guilty of the only truly unforgivable crime in the nation! It's like a little tune I have to dance to. You'reFatGetThinGoDietDon'tEatThatNeverGetADateYou'reFat
Valentine's day SUCKS. It just remindes me of what a completely talentless, undateable person I am.
I can't write.
I can't draw.
I can't act.
I'm not brilliant.
I'm fat.

Just FAT. A person can BE nothing but FAT. Because, let's face it, despite whatever kinda hippy BS you pull, beauty is only skin deep. People judge you on their first 5 milliseconds of seeing you. (That's a scientific fact) I will never be pretty. I will never date. I will not cry.



Sorry about kind of ranting. Whatever popped into my head is what I typed. I'm not gonna proofread it, figure out the mispelled words yourself.


Tizri


update soon
if something, by sheer miracle, goes RIGHT tomorrow, I'll let you all know.
Please comment if you feel moved to do so!

Oh Happy Day

It's the third day anniversary of my flu! Thankfully, he's decided to vacate and grab a new pad...if slooowly. My throat feels better, my nose is still going tho. I gathered up enough energy to take a *drum roll* SHOWER! after 3 days of not showering, I was smelling kinda funky.

I hate VDay. I plan to flip anyone off tomorrow who makes a "witty" crack about fat girls. Me and Ella ARE the token "Fat Girls" at our school. It's like I'm LIVING the first few tedious chapters of teen sob books, where nothing is right for the protagonist.

Is sob short for anything?

The Unforgiven

A truly great song, done with four cellos

It's a BIG ad!

Now, I do not usually belive in commercials, unless they are hilarious. Here is one example of a true gem:

Sick Day

I'm sick as a dog today. Blergh. I've confined myself to the guest bedroom and am attempting to sleep off the virus that's spreading around my house.

All because

All because I am a coward.
All because I am too afraid of a well-deserved reaction.

I have been surviving a hell. A hell where my mother's white picket-fence dream is being forced into my reality, where HER unfufilled childhood is shaping mine. I need to:

-Have long hair
-Be happy
-Not date until 16 no snogging until marriage

to make my mother's lif e"complete". But I do not wish to do this. I want to:

-Chop my hair off
-Dye my hair black
-Admit openly I'm a Bisexual without being punished
-Not have my every movement tracked and watched and monitored.




OH SHIT THEY GOT THE BIBLE OUT.

I think they just read my post.....
oh shit oh shit

g2g

An email I sent to my friends

I have no privacy. Every action I take, every flux in my mood, is monitored by my parents. Litterally. I am not allowed to IM or talk to or email ppl (especially u Andy, I DONT KNOW WHY)
They are afraid I'll cut, or commit suicide. All because I needed a MENTAL HEALTH DAY. I am denied my health day, and instead given insanity in it's place.

it seems cruel.
and you are a brave, brave woman, Andy.
Ellie- you are a great friend. I doubt I'll be in school tomorrow.

Crushes, Hot Topic, and The Battle Of The Sexes

I was standing outside of school with Benji (one of my 2 ongoing crushes) in the middle of a heated debate over the blue eyed "gene" and wether females are superior, or F/M are equal. Funnily enough, he didnt mention the Male Superior thing....ah well. Another day, perhaps ;). When he pipes up "What IS Hot Topic, again?" Now, now. I was in a pretty cranky mood already (my hand hurt like a SOB, and I knew there was NO WAY I'd get my homework done at this rate.) so I pointed to him, turned to the few remaining students, and screamed "THIS ONE OVER HERE HAS NO IDEA WHAT HOT TOPIC IS!!! THEREFORE, HE IS AN INFERIOR BEING!!" Benji has backed up against a wall at this point, so I shove him twoards the crowd "THIS ONE!"

Some started, wide eyed, some backed away, some giggled. But I swear to god- EVERY conversation stopped. I'm so proud :).

Andrea IS BI!!!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! WHICH MEANS I HAVE A SMALL, INFENTESIMITLY SMALL, CHANCE!!!!!!!! w00t!

Andrea/Hannah

Yes, I know. I post a lot about my best friend. I just miss Hannah, you know? It's like I'm grieving someone who hasn't died yet. I know, I dont blame her and all for being Emo and such, but I dont...seem to get along to well with emos, and I'm worried I'll lose her to the ever-growing crowd of depressed teens. The old Hannah was predictable. Her clothes were of the punk style, she always wore a hat, and as long as I didnt push the people thing, she would always be at hand whenever I just needed to vent for a while. We would spend hours talking with her boyfriend on speakerphone. (I was the one who hooked them uup in the first place, I get the credit!) We liked the same shows, the same videogames.
This new Andrea person is NOT the Hannah I knew, I can tell you that much. She's just diffrent, somehow. I'm not sure how this will work out. It's scary.

No Matter How You Try

You will never be more ego-crushing than this photo:

I love potterrific!

here is an example of their genius!
The URL: http://www.closet-space.com/comics/fancomics/simplypotterific/sp012.htm

One of my fav. Comics:

Oh, Shit.

Oh. My. Freaking. God.
My best friend in the entire world has changed her name to Andrea and gone goth.
And. Oh. My. God.
She is, by far, the hottest girl I have ever seen in my whole life. EVER.
Shit! Dammit, Andy, you're so irresistable!

Well, anywho, some news on the Benji Front- his SIB (social ineptetute bubble) has a HOLE in it!! YAY!!! Somehow, I was supposed to DO something about this, because he said (in our second firedrill during 4th period) that it had closed up. He says stuff in leaking in his bubble. What stuff, however, I do not know. He described it as "junk mail". Ew, that sounded dirty. :P Weeeeeell, I guess Bneji/Aggg now has stuff in his bubble that he does not want there. Poo to him. It's his buisness- let him bitch and moan about it, but I dont care.


Okay, fine. I do care.
God, why is it that one of my long-term crushes is staright, and the other is a geek who has had like NO HORMONES penetrate his bubble? This sucks.

Oh yea, his bubble keeps science+math in, social-ness OUT.

I almost finished with my painting of Elena (my cousin) and Marcus (her son!). I just need to add some texture to his blanket and I'm golden.

I'm way into Placebo now (thxs Elena). I really like Special K and Pure Morning. Also like Running Up That Hill and The Bitter End.

My teacher Ms. Ares has melanoma. It's now in her lungs and bones and crud like that. She has a 50% of going back into remission, and a 6% of being cured. Also, a 44% of death. My heart and physcic energy goes out to you, hon!

I'm trying to think of a name for my Drow DND char. Mabye Xune. I donno.
Kinaria? Nah...

Oops!

I accidentaly screwed up the comic. Here's the Web Page if u wanna read it proper-like:

http://xkcd.net/311/

Serenity IS The Meaning Of Life

No, seriously. I'm gonna watch the new Terminator soley to see Summer Glau again. I really don't care about much else, if it has Kaylee, Mal, River, Simmon, Wash, ANYONE from Firefly in it, I'm there. And I know what Fox would like to see:















































































































It should also have some sex scenes of Kaylee+Simon so that Fox buys it. Mabye THEN they'll bring Firefly back.


Shiny, capt'n Tight-Pants!

Everything I Touch

I definitely either A) curse or B) turn emo.
I'm going to the mall tomorrow (to hot topic)
I've bought black nil polish and purple hair dye.
WTF

Words

I wish that I could hide in a giant, swirling mass of words. Like a coccoon or something. I COVERED my whole left arm& hand in all my favortie names, friends, lyrics.

Which Sucks, BTW

Here I am, ranting about my life and being about as Emo as I'll ever be w/o freaking out the whole school (everyone wants the happy, upitty Tizri. Whoo-Fuckin-Hoo.). Sure, I find a couple of things decdent about myself (my ability to write...er...) and then I'm defeated at that too. fictionalexsist.blogspot.com. My best friend's blog. And she is a better writer/drawer/overal person than me. Her relatives are famous, her life rocks, she's got the style I've been DREAMING of since I wanted fashion, she's tall, thin, GORGEOUS, wears glasses (don't ask me why, I've always wanted too) and has hot guys chasing after her pretty much every time she steps out of the house.

I'm short, fat, pretty crapping at pretty much everything, have acne and a plain face with permanent dark circles (lack of sleep) and out of two BF's/Gf's I've EVER had, the longest lasting one was 2 weeks. And he thinks I'm ugly. No guy has EVER flirted with me, no matter how much I brag (Oh yea, did I mention I lie w/o wanting too, as well?)

I'm failing my best class. And all my "friends" get all pissed at me when I' not perpetual pumped on Prozac.
"What's wrong, Tizri?"
"Smile, Tizri!"
"Don't be sad/emo/depressing, Tizri!"
Translation= we met you as a hyperactive little kid, waiting to grow up. Stay that way. Forever.

God dammit, if I can't even be honest with my friends, if I can't even tell them that I like girls, then WHY THE HELL are they my friends?!?!

And the ONLY friend I've ever been TRULY honest with is pretty much better at everything, luckier, prettier, and all around awesome-er. Best music, best TV shows, best games, best everyhting!

God, if she dumped me, I'd kill myself, seeing as though all I have left is the guilt I would expirience if I made her sad.

I hope ur reading this. I hope you all freaking are.

Obsessions

Yea, still obsessing about mi weight, but not nearly as much. I ate SO MUCH today, though. I'm going to a funeral tomorrow, so I'll use my sadness as an excuse not to eat anything and have an extra-long workout.

First Post In A While

I was on vaca, and my mom broke her foot, so I havent been online all that much lately.


Anywho, onto what I wanted to say.
I had a girlfriend!!!-for like all of 24 hrs. It really sucked, because I'd been crushing on her for like a yr and then we get together, and suddenly, she says "I'm not ready for a girlfriend". I mean, I respect that and all, but couldnt she have told me that AT the mall instead of being all girlfriend-y and shit?!?!? God, I'm sorry if you're reading this, Bepe, I'm just a little pissed off at the moment. I still like you and all, and I'm still your friend, no worries!

Oh, and I saw a sence at the airport today that exactly mimicks how I feel.

So, these two very skinny, very attracticve people walk by, handing in their girlfriend/boyfriend's butt pocket, eating frozen yogurt from TCBY. A very overweight girl in an attractive shirt is trailing behind them, definitely a part of their group, but not IN it. They all sit down, ad while the two lovers are absorbed in eachother, the third girl is trying to hold a conversation, to no avail. She gives up and starts messing with the games on her cell phone.

I have the weirdest feeling that I will be that third girl. Taging along, getting in the way, a forced cheerfulness about me, while all my friends go on to be happy. God.


About Justin Timberlake- his house is FUCKING HUGE. And he likes my cloak. 'Nuf said. Mabye I'll say more later, but right now I need to wallow.

And for those of you who say I shouldn't wallow, think of it this way: You've been want ice cream SO BAD for a long time, then you get a cone (YAY) but after one lick you drop the whole thing. You'd be pissed and wallow too, right? Now leave me alone.

JUSTING FUCKING TIMBERLAKE

Is who I'm a gonna meeetttt!!!!!
HOLY SHIT!!!!!!







LOLz, sry 'bout that. I'm not even a fan of his! It's just, well, he's a celbrity!
Anyways- more updates soon!! I love you all! (Myslef, mostly)
And a big shout-out to Mouse and Ginny!

If You Wish To Contact Me

taluhk@yahoo.com
I am Rtam on www.kingdomofloathing.com
I play on Kirin Tor on World Of Warcraft, with Nayzure, Hevla, Kafeta (horde).

Bacl to Blogger (Google owns our souls, BTW)

Can we EVER, say, LOG INTO OUR GODDAMN BLOG without a Google account? God, try to log into something and you have to sign up with 5 mil other.
Back from my vacation to Michigan. Will say more about that l8r.


Why am I pissed? Check the conversation I just tried to have with my mother when I couldn't log in:
Me: Er... I need a Google acoount, apparaently.
Her: Do you have one?
M: Try ecofriendly
H: Password?
M: Try *******
H: Nope
H: any other email?
M: Taluhk?
H: Nope. What about Serenity?
M: That was disabled.
H:: let's try it
M: It was disabled
H: Password?
M: *************
H: No.....
M: *******
H: No...
M: It was disabled
H: DON'T YOU DARE ESPEAK TO ME LIKE THAT!!! HOW RUDE!!! HOW DARE YOU? I'M TRYING TO HELP!!!!
M: *fumes*

Into Thin Air

Oh, have you ever sat at home, wondering what would happen if yes, your ideal weight were to be reached? If you took a constant readin fo my thoughts, I bet you this would be the breakdown

48%- My weight (lower, lower, lower, 30 more lbs till I win, lower)
10%- Appearance (Do I look OK? No you don't)
2%- Should I be thinking about schoolwork?
20%- My friends (when can I hang out? What would they think?)
5%- Whatever writing project's in my head
1%- There's always a song stuck in my head (watever is playing at the time)
14%- Other

What I wouldn't give to be able to drop 30 lbs. What the hell, I would stop eating if I had to.

Man, Am I In HELL

Damn finals week! so much to doooooooo!!!!
This sucks. I've ony played 1 hr of WoW in 5 days.
Might not be able to blog for a while, oh well. :(

StumbleUpon

Just one more click....

Anyone Got A Hammer?

Must. Get. Point. Through. Skull.
Usually, I don't write things like this down, but I belive I will make an exception here:

BENJI GOLDSTEIN DOSE NOT LIKE YOU. GET OVER YOURSELF, ALREADY.

Can You Spell B-U-L-I-M-I-A?

Oh, God. I did it. Twice.
The following scenario sound familiar? Let's hope not.
Girl comes home from school, massively hungry from her insufficient empty-calorie lunch. She sits down with her dinner: leftovers. But, as she lifts her fork to her mouth something stops working. She eats and eats and eats untill she think she'll burst, then eats some more. Then she runs upstairs, and pukes it all out again.
Thats what I've done now, TWICE.
What's more, I'm the one here with a BMI of 30-effing-2. 32. I should be eating "small and regulated protions" not massive ammounts like some pig. Dammit!