Alright, I'm sick of people wondering why the fuck I don't like the Twilight series. I'm fourteen, single, and in blossom. Why don't I want to fuck a marble statue or read a giddy romance?
Well, I will now outline my reasons in clear, easy to read format.
1. They Are Not VampiresSeriously. They couldn't be LESS of a vampire. Everyone drinks animal blood. It's called steak, or meat, or anything, really, has blood in it. Vampires die in the sunlight. Vampires are not venomous. How one becomes a vampire is under hot debate, but it's not poison. Nope. No way. Not gonna happen. Vampires drink human blood. They have fangs. Vampirism is a curse, not a blessing. True, you may get some supernatural abilities if you're well fed, but other than that, you're fucked because you'll live forever, see all that shit, watch all your friends die and kill a ton of people. Ever wonder why real vampires are insane? Because being a vampire is one of the least pleasant things I can imagine. I cannot stress this point enough. And no, it is not Ms. Meyer's "imagining" of vampires. Anne Rice reimagined the vampire, but all the basics were there, and her vampires did not fundamentally change the way vampires work. Your vampires are an insult to vampires everywhere. Meyers wanted angsty, hot teenagers, and the safest kind of danger possible. Please! Your "vampires" are dark superheros. That's a legit genre.
Next we'll have zombies that don't eat brains.
2. Overt SexismTranslation: Bella is nothing without her man. SO much of a nothing that she tries to die and litterally has no fucking clue what she's doing unless he's around. Edward hurts her, abuses her, beats her, yet this is all somehow OK because he says he does it "because I love you." Sound familiar?
3. We Don't Need WannabesDo you have any idea how hard it is to keep up with all these new hopefuls? Twelve and thirteen year old girls, bent on becoming a sparkle-fest, seek vampirism. Hell, my initiator has set up this policy to show all new hopefuls the true horrors of vampires before she even CONSIDERS them. Usually, we keep the blood and guts and pain away from the hopefuls until it's too late for them to change their mind. Now we hope they change their mind, since we don't allow under eighteens. (Don't ask how I got in.) They ask us to go out into the sun, wonder why we sleep in coffins, shriek at the sight of the... *ahem*... messier details of our lives. It's horrible. They're barely time for hunting during the blood hours with all these idiots hovering about.
4. We Don't Need Wannabes, Part Two
Also, the goth/blood doll community dos not need you. You look like a tool trying to fit in.
5. The "Stories" Have No Plot
The entire series is pretty much an ode to hot guys.
6. All The "Vampires" Are Wimps
In all the books, the bad guys go running after a stare-down. That's right, the mighty non vampires STARE AT EACH OTHER AS A TURF WAR. Also, the closest thing we get to scary, or vampire, in the whole series is a rip off of Anne Rice. At the end of New Moon, the Volturi... are basically just Anne Rice's characters made shitty and given different names. It's like somebody went "oh,
shit! How did we end up in good literature?! Quickly! Revert back!" And the Volturi promptly vanish. What the FUCK. Also, if you're gonna rip off Lestat and Louis, then at the very least don't make them total angst ridden cardboard cutouts.
Feel free to make an argument against me. I will promptly tear it to shreds.